Site created 12/15/97.
review added: 2/22/01
Chesty Morgan on
reviews by Todd Doogan of
The Digital Bits
1973 (2000) - Something Weird/Shock Films (Image)
Film Rating: D
Disc Ratings (Video/Audio/Extras): C/C/C
Specs and Features:
75 minutes, NR, full frame (1.33:1), single-sided, single-layered,
Snapper case packaging, Breast
Development: Fifties Style featurette, 2 theatrical
trailers (for Deadly Weapons
and Double Agent 73), gallery
of exploitation art (focused on Doris Wishman), film-themed menu
screens, scene access (12 chapters), languages: English (DD mono),
1974 (2000) - Something Weird/Shock Films (Image)
Film Rating: F+
Disc Ratings (Video/Audio/Extras): C/C/C-
Specs and Features:
72 minutes, NR, full frame (1.33:1), single-sided, single-layered,
Snapper case packaging, The Big Bust
featurette, 2 theatrical trailers (for Deadly
Weapons and Double Agent 73),
gallery of exploitation art (focused on Doris Wishman), film-themed
menu screens, scene access (12 chapters), languages: English (DD
mono), subtitles: none
Has anyone out there
accidentally seen one of their parents naked? I have. And let me
tell you, that experience has the power to destroy a person.
Watching Chesty Morgan in these two movies is a lot like that.
Honestly, I can't believe there's a market for Deadly
Weapons and Double Agent 73
on DVD. But, they are out on disc, and so I've thrown myself upon
the sword (so to speak) to review them for you. And God, do I feel
dirty because of it. Can someone please wash my eyes out with holy
water? Please...? AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
(Editor's Note: Todd has passed out.
Please enjoy a moment of silence while he collects himself and
begins again. If you'd like, feel free to imagine elevator music to
pass the time enjoyably).
Okay, I'm back. What I'm about to review for you are two of the
most horrifying films ever made. Image is really scraping the bottom
of the "good taste" barrel with these two films. There's
gotta be a serious bunch of sickos over at Image... and I love 'em
for it. But seriously, if you like these flicks, you really need
some help. These are some of the most god-awful images ever put to
celluloid, and Chesty Morgan is a monster in more ways than one.
Morgan was a Polish immigrant by way of Israel. When she got to
America, she started dancing in burlesque shows. That eventually
lead to her appearing in these two Doris Wishman produced and
directed films. These two ladies didn't get along very well (due to
Morgan's inability to arrive on set on time), and so the
relationship was short lived. But the fruits of their labor (namely,
these two films), are now on DVD for all of us to see. Witness
Morgan in all of her wobbly glory! God help me. Okay... let's take a
look at these films, one by one.
Crystal: "I want to be your wife, not your mistress."
Larry: "You're a successful advertising executive. Beautiful,
loads of dough. I'm nothing but trouble baby. Nothing. But. Trouble."
Crystal: "I love you, Larry."
Is that not the worst piece of dialogue ever captured on film?
Imagine an awful 70's kitchen setup (with disgustingly dirty coffee
cups), a big girl in a horrid morning outfit (trying her damnedest
to be sexy) and a plate of white powdered donuts (that look almost
as shriveled as the girl's ass... which, by the way, we got to see
when she gets into a bath a few minutes before this). God help us
all. This is bad, bad, bad filmmaking. Oh, man it's bad. Did I say
it was bad? Well, it's bad. This is worse than any porn I ever
seen... and I've seen some bad porn. The only redemption this film
could ever ask for, is that it's so bad as to be hysterically funny.
It probably ranks in the top 10 best worst films I've ever laid my
eyes on. Everything about it serves that distinction.
Morgan plays the successful advertising executive, as if you hadn't
already guessed. Success doesn't mean she has good taste, judging by
the outfits she wears. When her boyfriend tries to pull a fast one
over his friends in a "powerful" syndicate, he gets offed.
Morgan is despondent for a few minutes, consoles with her father
about it, and then decides to become a stripper to infiltrate the
gang. Her mission is one of love - avenge the death of her boyfriend
by smothering everyone with her gigantic, 73-inch bust line. Seems
like an okay idea, right? When all is said and done, in a horrifying
twist ending, she finds that revenge is a very expensive dish... and
sometimes both family and personal health are the cost.
Wishman, as a director, is about as talented as, say... that kid
down the street with a video camera shooting flicks in his garage. I
haven't seen anything but these two Morgan films from her, so maybe
that's not exactly a fair statement. But judging from the film
techniques shown here, I'm comfortable saying it. This movie is a
mess... and so is Morgan. My God - there's one scene (actually in
the above mentioned kitchen) when we get a close shot of her
teeth... and they're black with decay. She's wearing a wig, that's
covering up what looks like gray hair - at least that's what's
poking out from underneath. Deadly
Weapons is something that..., well, if I piqued your
interest, go for it. But be warned - the only way you can have a
good time watching it, is by laughing at yourself FOR watching it.
The transfer on this DVD isn't the best I've seen from Image, but
it's certainly okay for a Something Weird title. What the hell can
you expect, really? The full frame image looks better than most
people have seen this film looking previously. The sound is a stiff
mono, but it serves the film fine. In fact, for what this movie is,
I'd say that this is the perfect way to view it. Any faults you'll
find just add to the experience. Image threw in a few bonuses - a
spoonful of sugar if you will. These include trailers for both
Morgan films, a gallery of Wishman ads and poster art, and an
educational film on enlarging your breasts in the 1950's. Americana
at it's best and brightest? Maybe not, but what the hell.
Double Agent 73
Okay, I'm done with this stuff. Morgan is even worse here than she
was in Deadly Weapons... as if
that were possible. I'm almost mad about it. There is nothing, and I
mean nothing, worth watching this disc for. In fact, if I said you
need to see this movie just to see how friggin' bad it is, I'd be
opening myself up to serious ass whuppin's. Don't be fooled! There
is nothing sexy about Chesty Morgan. Oh, sure... she looks like she
might be hot on the cover art, but let me testify to the fact that
she is most certainly not. This movie has sworn me off of bad cinema
for a while. I'm going mainstream from now on.
Here's the story, if you care. Chesty is a private eye, who bitches
out her boss for calling her away from vacationing at a nudist
colony, where she's been sunning herself in pantyhose and a bra. Who
does that? Her assignment: find a guy named Toplar, who's peddling
bad heroin with the help of Communist Germans. Toplar has been
heretofore unable to be identified, so Morgan's job is to photograph
each member of his syndicate after she kills them. To be fully "spy"
equipped, she will do this with a high tech camera implanted in her
left breast, which she has to lug out each time she meets someone.
Ugh! Through a series of gratuitous zooms, unnecessary close-ups of
shoes, fricked-up continuity and horrid set design, Morgan uncovers
the identity of Toplar... only to find that that the old adage is
true: "He who has loved and lost is better than he who has
loved and shot her lover in the face with a semi-automatic pistol."
I think that's an adage. Isn't it?
Everything I said about the DVD version of Deadly
Weapons can be said here, except instead of a breast
augmentation short, you have a virtually unwatchable newsreel on
Tempest Storm (a famous burlesque performer) getting her boobs
The Something Weird/Image marriage has to be puttering out at this
point. Double Agent 73 is bad
filmmaking at its absolute worst. Ed Wood looks like Scorsese after
watching it. View this film only if you want to kill a LOT of brain
cells. Deadly Weapons IS worth
watching just to see how bad it is. But Double
Agent 73 is just going to piss you off. Okay... I'm done.
I can't hang with this anymore. To you brave souls who just have to
see these films, good luck with 'em. Hope your insurance is paid up!
Double Agent 73